Foreword
The following post will contain information, pictures, and resources that may be uncomfortable to some. Please be aware this post talks about sexual assault. While I will provide my own thoughts, feelings, and understandings of sexual assault, please note that these are mine and mine alone. I have used several resources to aid in my discussion and help frame my work in a more scholarly format. Feel free to disagree or comment but do so in a constructive manner. I see my site and blog as a place for conversation and discussion—not a place to exchange in hostile discourse.
Introduction
Recently, a friend of mine shared an online post with me that necessitated my need to share some thoughts and feelings. As a result, I felt the need to address some concerns around sexual assault for men and share my own stance. I want to begin by stating that I have my own biases around the topic of sexual assault—as a result, I will explain some of my self-conscious biases with you. First, I will purposely exclude the words rape and victim for two main reasons: (1) I see rape as a pejorative, limiting, and exclusive term that does not encompass the wide range of behaviors that constitute assault. (2) I see the word “victim” to imply helplessness and pity, whereas I see “survivor” as the ability to gain control or having the will or desire to fight (Wu, 2016). Secondly, my educational background (B.S. in Sociology and minor in Psychology, 2010; M.A. in College Student Development and Administration; and MEd. in Human Sexuality Studies, Anticipated 2018) has shaped my understanding of what sexual assault means, it’s implications on survivors, and the affective and effective components of survivors and their loved ones. Lastly, as a survivor of sexual assault, I have my own lens that provides my views and stance on the issue.
To begin, the post that sparked my interest is, “10+ Male Sexual Assault Survivors Share Their Stories, and They’ll Break Your Heart” by Iveta, an author for a site called Boredpanda. Iveta’s post is a nod to “Project Unbreakable”—a website set up by Grace Brown, a NY photography student. Iveta goes on to state that, the “purpose of [Project Unbreakable] is to raise awareness about sexual assault by giving a voice to those who have been victims of it” (N.D.). I did some research into “Project Unbreakable” and found that the site is still accessible but the project since ended in 2015. The stories that were shared through these simple photos made me feel sadness, anger, joy, fear, hope, inspired, helpless, and a plethora of other emotions that I am not sure I can express in words. I think that we often underplay sexual assault in this country, look at all of the privileged, White, men that have been getting extremely reduced sentences (that is a completely different and need conversation). I think we pretend that sexual assault affects a rather small percentage of people so it is not important to think about, discuss, or be educated about. Ultimately, these were the reasons for my post—to highlight my concern over the disregard for the topic and the lack of public knowledge.
Defining Sexual Assault and the Relationship with Men
What is sexual assault? Lehmiller (2014) defines sexual assault as “any event in which a person is touched in a sexual way against the person’s will or made to perform a non-consensual act by one or more other persons” (p. 354). I personally am a fan of Lehimller’s definition because he intentionally leaves the definition broad to mean “any gender or sexuality can be assaulted and, further, that sexual assault can take any form” (p. 354). Maybe excited is the wrong word to describe my feelings toward this definition but that is generally what I feel. I want to see sexual assault shy away from being a woman’s issue and see that men are also facing the same issue. I would argue that this definition would even be useful in including other statuses, such as transgender, intersex, gender-non conforming, and other identities and statuses outside of the gender binary. Research has already begun to look at sexual assault with some of these non-binary communities and found some alarming results. Thus, we need this definition and I am appreciative that it was available.
What do the numbers look like? Between 7.9-10% of men reported being a survivor of sexual assault before the age of 18 (Lehmiller, 2014; Yarber, Sayad, & Strong, 2012). While 41% of men were under the age of 12 and 28% of men were between 12-17 years of age (Yarber, Sayad, & Strong, 2012). It is believed that these numbers vastly underrepresent the actual number of male survivors—due to a lack of tracking of sexual crimes against men and the societal attitudes that male sexual assault is not up for discussion (Yarber, Sayad, & Strong, 2012). I find that much literature around sexual assault excludes men—even the resources I had available, were limiting. I was able to identify a few reasons from my available resources as to the neglect of research and discussion regarding the sexual assault of men. Yarber, Sayad, & Strong (2012) stated two main concerns in their text: (1) One of the main reasons men do not come forward about their sexual assault, is due largely to the fact that they do not want to be perceived as homosexual. (2) Another major concern for men is that society believes that they should be able to take care of themselves so the sexual assault must be their fault. The two points that Yarber, Sayad, & Strong posit, make a great deal of sense.
First, in a society where we associate behavior with identity, I can totally understand why a heterosexual man would feel that he would be perceived as gay if he had engaged in a homosexual act. Whether or not this act was consensual, may never be understood or believed by others. When “pressure or force is used, the outcome is unwanted by the resisting partner” (Walder, 2011, p.51). Somehow, it is easy to forget that consent was missing because the thought is that an orgasm indicates pleasure, which is not true. Additionally, think about one’s own questioning of their bodily responses to the sexual assault. What if the act had caused ejaculation or some sort of bodily pleasure? I think it would be easy to even question one’s own sexuality because it is hard to set aside the fact that the orgasm or ejaculation could have been a result of the physical activity not the want of the person to engage in the act.
Secondly, society feels that men cannot be sexually assaulted. I have come across this in my own experiences, literature, and media consumption. Men are viewed as the perpetrator in sexual assault and rarely seen as a survivor. As a result of societal expectations around gender and masculinity, it may be hard, if not impossible, for some men to come forward in the standardized reporting structures. When we constantly teach men to be strong, emotionless, and tough, we make it difficult for men to share their experience. We need to do better as a society and realize that we are humans that have shared experiences, feelings, and emotions—men and women should not be required to play out gender roles and we should stop teaching notions of masculinity and femininity. Whom are we helping?
A Guide to Helping
Yarber, Sayad, & Strong (2012) offer a guide for helping sexual assault survivors. I have modified some of the language and have excluded two of the steps but below is my modified version of helping survivors.
Helping Someone who has been Sexually Assaulted:
- Believe the person—it is not your role to question whether a rape occurred, but to be there to ease the pain
- Help the person explore their options—Don’t take charge of the situation and pressure the rape survivor to do what you think they should do. That’s what their attacker already did. Give them the freedom to choose a path of recovery that is comfortable for them, even if you’d do it differently. Remember, there is no one right way for a survivor to respond after being sexually assaulted.
- Listen to the person—it is critical that you let survivors in your lives know that they can talk to you about their experience when they are ready. Some may not wish to speak with you immediately, but at some point during their healing process, they may want to come to you for support. When that happens, don’t interrupt, or yell, or inject your feelings. Your caring but silent attention will be invaluable.
- Ask before you touch—Don’t assume that physical contact, even in a form of a gentle hug, will be comforting to a survivor. Many survivors, especially within in the first few weeks after their assault, prefer to avoid sex or simple touching even with those they love and trust. One way to signal to a survivor that you are ready to offer physical comfort is to sit with an open posture and a hand palm up nearby.
- Never blame them for being assaulted—No one deserves to be sexually assaulted; no matter what they wore, how many times they had sex before, if they were walking alone at night, if they got drunk, if they were married, or they went into the perpetrator’s room. Even if survivors feels responsible, it is important to clearly and caringly tell them that being sexually assaulted was not their fault.
Additional Resources
- Rape, Abuse & Incest National Network (RAINN)
- RAINN has a free, confidential, 24/7 sexual assault hotline:
- 800.656.HOPE(4673).
- RAINN also has an online hotline: https://ohl.rainn.org/online/
- Women Organized Against Rape (WOAR)-Philadelphia, PA
- 24 hour Hotline: 215-985-3333
- Walk-in Appointment—Call WOAR’s Hotline (215-985-3333) to schedule a one-time crisis counseling appointment at our office. If it’s important for you to be seen right away, come to the WOAR office Monday – Friday 10-4pm.
Conclusion
Thank you for taking the time to read my rather long post. I hope you have gained some valuable insight into sexual assault—particularly how we need to have a system that offers support to men. I hope that we can change the conversation and resources around sexual assault to encompass a more inclusive and affirming experience for all. I know we have a long way to go, but I hope through actions as small as this blog, that we can enact change.
To read the post by Iveta, click here
To read more about Project Unbreakable, click here
References
Yarber, W. L., Sayad, B. W., & Strong, B. (2012). Human sexuality: Diversity in contemporary America (8th ed.). New York, NY: McGraw-Hill.
Waller, L. K. (2011). Sexual politics in intimate relationships: Sexual coercion and harassment. In Seidman, S., Fischer, N., & Meeks, C. (Eds.). Introducing the new sexuality studies (2nd ed.) (pp. 49-56). New York, NY: Routledge.
Lehmiller, J. (2014). Psychology of Human Sexuality. New York: John Wiley & Sons, Inc.
Wu, G. (2016, March, 16). ‘Survivor’ versus ‘Victim’: Why choosing your words carefully is important. Retrieved from http://helloflo.com/survivor-vs-victim-why-choosing-your-words-carefully-is-important/
chriscbryant.com 