Recently a friend of mine came out to his family and things definitely didn’t go as planned. He had great hopes that his parents would be understanding and accepting but so far he’s received a lot of confusion, shock, and anger. While he is trying to decipher all of this, he still has to deal with his parents and the plethora of questions that exist. While
While doing some research I came across a great guide that I wanted to share some points from that might help anyone who may be struggling.
The Stages:
- shock
- denial
- guilt
- expression of feelings
- personal decision-making
- true acceptance
Caution: Each family is unique. Allow some variation for your own parents–they may follow the stages listed below or they may not.
Safety is your number one concern; only come out when you are sure your personal safety would not be jeopardized.
THEY’LL EXPERIENCE LOSS
Parents and Children Switch Roles
When you come out to your parents, you may find your parent-child roles reversed for a while. They will need to learn from your experience. As your parents deal with your disclosure, you must assume the “parenting” role by allowing them time to express their feelings and make progress toward new insights.
This will not be easy. You’ll want them to understand and grasp this important part of your life right away.
It will be easy for you to become impatient. You’ll need to repeat many of the same things. Just because you’ve explained something once does not mean they heard it. Their understanding will evolve slowly–painfully slowly–at the beginning. Their emotional reactions will get in the way of their intellectual understandings.
STAGE 1: SHOCK
If They Have No Idea About You
An initial state of shock can be anticipated if you suspect that your parents have no idea what you’re about to share. It may last anywhere from ten minutes to a week; usually it wears off in a few days. Shock is a natural reaction that we all experience (and need for a while) to avoid acute distress and unpleasantness.
Explain that you haven’t been able to be completely honest with them and you don’t like the distance that has occurred over the years. Affirm your love for them. Say it more than once. Although they may not initially respond positively to your profession of love, it will penetrate in the hours when they are alone and thinking about it.
Remind them that you are the same person today that you were yesterday: “You loved me yesterday, before I told; I haven’t changed since then. I’m the same person today that I was yesterday.”
STAGE 2: DENIAL
A Shield from Threat
Denial helps to shield a person from a threatening or painful message. It is different from shock because it indicates the person has heard the message and is attempting to build a defense mechanism to ward it off.
Denial responses take many forms: hostility (“No son of mine is going to be queer.”), non-registering (“That’s nice, dear, what do you want for dinner?”), indifference (“If you choose that lifestyle, I don’t want to hear about it.”), or rejection (“It’s just a phase; you’ll get over it.”).
Their perception of your orientation or gender will be distorted by the messages they’ve received and accepted from our homophobic and transphobic society. The manner in which the denial is expressed can range from a serene trance to hysterical crying or shouting. Many parents take a middle-of-the-road approach; they cry frequently.
STAGE 3: GUILT
They’ll Feel They’ve Done Wrong
Most people who deal with homosexuality initially perceive it as a “problem” and ask: “What causes it?” They think if they can locate a cause, then a cure is not far behind.
For me, the question became introspective: “What did I do wrong?” Whether I viewed the cause as genetic or environmental, I was clearly to blame. I questioned the kind of male role model I had provided; I examined my masculinity.
For a while, no matter which angle I viewed the situation from, I believed I was the primary source of the problem. It was a feeling I was too ashamed and saddened to share with anyone else. Although both parents usually feel guilty, the parent who is the same gender as the child probably feels it more.
Then one day, my wife said: “I don’t think it’s reasonable for you to take the blame; you raised two sons, one gay and one straight. There must be other factors involved.”
STAGE 4: FEELINGS EXPRESSED
They Acknowledge Their Emotions
When it’s clear that guilt and self-incrimination are unproductive, parents are ready to ask questions, listen to answers and acknowledge their feelings. This is the point at which some of the most productive dialogue between you and your parents will take place.
Now will pour forth the full range of feelings: “I’m disappointed that I won’t have any grandchildren.” “Please don’t tell anyone in the family; I’m not ready to face this issue with anyone else.” “I feel so alone and hurt; I believe I was better off not knowing” “How can you hurt us this way?”
Since living in a homophobic and transphobic society has forced you to experience many of the same feelings (isolation, fear of rejection, hurt, confusion, fear of the future, etc.), you can share with them the similarities in the feelings you have experienced.
However, allow them ample time to express themselves; don’t let your needs overpower theirs. If they haven’t read a book or talked to other parents, suggest again that they pursue one of those avenues. Offer to read and discuss a chapter in the book with them or to go to a parents’ meeting with them.
Anger And Hurt
Anger and hurt are probably the most frequently expressed feelings. They are often surface feelings that seem spiteful and cruel. In order for your parents to make progress it is better that they express them than bury them and attempt to deny their existence. This will be hard for you to handle. You may be tempted to withdraw, regretting that you ever opened up to them.
Hang in there, however; there’s no turning back now. When they begin to express these feelings they’re on the road to recovery.
STAGE 5: MAKING DECISIONS
The Fork in the Road
As the emotional trauma subsides, your parents will increasingly deal more rationally with this. It’s common at this point for them to retreat for a while and consider the options that lie ahead.
It’s like reaching a fork in the road that has a number of paths from which to choose. The choice each person makes is a reflection of the attitude he or she is ready to adopt in dealing with the situation.
Both parents may not necessarily choose to take the same path. A number of factors will influence which path is chosen. Reading about queerness and talking to other parents will probably encourage them to take a more supportive position. Their religious affiliation will play an important part. The general liberal or conservative position they usually hold will also have some bearing.
The importance of the restoration of their relationship with you is a major factor. A variety of factors will affect them as they formulate a compatible posture for dealing with this. Three kinds of decisions will be described:
**All material is property of the Pride Resource Center at Colorado State University
https://prideresourcecenter.colostate.edu/resources/coming-out-to-your-parents
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