In our current age, dating is extremely difficult–however, gay dating is even worse.
From a socialization standpoint, men are taught to bury emotions, hide anything that resembles humanity, and basically look for as many sexual conquests as you can possibly muster. From my personal experiences, the following occurrences are many of the issues I face while searching for a potential long-term partner.
(1) It’s All About the Apps
With the onset of all the available location based apps (Grindr, Growlr, Scruff, Tinder, ect.) it is easy to find someone with the simple swipe or press of your finger. In the way that men are available, it’s like shopping for a shirt–you can decide in roughly 2-3 seconds if you like someone based on nothing more than looks. There are so many viable people within a give proximity–especially if you live in a metropolitan area–that you can be extremely picky and have unrealistic expectations. In that respect, it’s easy to hide behind a glass screen and be mean or ignore people. The apps have taken away even more of our ability to make connections which tends to already be hard for men. The apps are not going anywhere anytime soon so we need to figure out how to navigate them in a positive manner.
(2) Everyone Wants Sex
Often, my experience has been that men just want sex. Even when the profiles say looking for friends, relationships, or connections, I get those 3AM messages asking: “Looking?” While we know everyone goes through phases of being horny, I find it interesting that individuals don’t bother to change their profile descriptions when their intent changes. I would also like to argue that sexual encounters can become serious relationships–I experienced this with someone I met through an app and we dated for about a year and a half. It can be hard to think with your brain and not your dick. I think the important thing is to make sure your expectations are clear. Engage in as much or as little sex as you want to but just be honest about your intentions–even if you don’t have any.
(3) Age–Where are the Adults My Age?
As a male who turned 30 this past year, I find most of the individuals on the apps are 18-24 or 42 and up. While I am not against dating someone younger or older (my last relationships was with someone who was 8 years my junior), I would like to meet someone around my own age. The 20s are really formative years for young adults and the 40s are more of establishment period for older men. The 30s are kind of a limbo and in between place where we have dealt with the hard shit of discovering who we are but maybe haven’t quite reached our career goals. I find that I don’t see a lot of men in this age range on the apps and wonder: Are they already in committed relationships? Am I looking in the wrong places? Do they even exist?
I am hopeful that there are decent guys my age out there but age seems to be one of the constant hurtles that I face. I would enjoy meeting someone at the same place in life–not meeting someone just starting out or someone who has it all together.
(4) Masc 4 Masc
Toxic Masculinity SUCKS. As men, we are socialized to believe that we must be these masculine, macho, burly men. I could literally write a whole dissertation on this topic–and maybe at some point I will. Basically, we are looking for these heteronormative prototypes of men rather than accepting people for who they are. People are not going to fit these stereotypes so if you are waiting for a man who resembles the celebrities and models you have come accustomed to and lust over, you will be sad.
(5) BMW–Body. Made. Wrong.
In the same frame of toxic masculinity, we think all bodies need to be hard and muscled. The expectations on body can be hard for all of us to deal with. Ultimately, like what you like but let’s not fat shame people. Often I see so many really handsome guys with self esteem issues about their bodies. These concerns are just as wide spread for men with muscles as they are for men with belly fat. Just remember, treat people the way you want to be treated. Your true love may not look like Chris Evans but more like Seth Rogen–let’s be honest, Seth would always make you laugh so I don’t think that a loss.
The five occurrences I listed, I am sure, are not unique to me. I would strongly encourage all of us (myself included) to stop looking past the men that we think may not be our type and get to know them. In a world full of options, we are lusting after men and making them our fetish when we barely know them!
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