Lately, I have been living in the realm of “what if.”
“what if” I had completed my social work degree?
“what if” I had never cheated on my first true love?
“what if” I had never moved to PA?
“what if” I had stuck to my weight goals in 2016?
“what if” I stayed at a job longer than 4 years?
I spend so much of my time in the “what if” stage of my thoughts that I often forget to live in the moment. I constantly fret about all of the mistakes I have made, the poor decisions, and wrong turns I took that have led me to this spot. Sometimes I am content with where I am and other times I long for a different place–those other choices seemed to wrong at that time, but now they seem to make more sense. Maybe, it really is the mindset of “distance makes the heart grow fonder.” I find it much easier to remember all the things that made me happy from relationships, circumstances, jobs, and geographical locations rather than the negative emotions that took me towards a totally different path.
I think if anything is accurate about me, I tend to constantly question my decisions, my skills, and my self more often than not. At some point, I stopped trusting myself and relied so much on self doubt, I forgot who I was and where I wanted to be. I still may not have all the answers and I may never know if the choices I have made were “correct,” but I do know that I still have a life to live. Maybe part of that learning is living.
Suffice to say, if anyone out there is reading this and connects, I encourage you to deal with the thoughts of “what if” before they become your demons.
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